Why you should not be ashamed of failure!

Somehow, somewhere we will all fail at some point in life. Most people fail in relationships. Others fail in taking care of their own health. But those failures, big or small, should not be sources of shame.

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”

— Denis Waitley

We all live with emotions, and those emotions engender dreams. But not all dreams come true or teach us lessons. Indeed, there is a very thin line between failure and habit. After we fail once at something, if we fail again, achieving the same results after putting in the same efforts, it shows we are not taking our failure seriously, that we’re losing our energy.

I have failed at almost every step of life. When I was a kid, I changed multiple schools because I failed to follow my teacher’s rules. I failed to keep in touch with my childhood friends. Most recently, I failed my American board exam to become a licensed doctor in the U.S. Yet rather than letting that failure define me, I consider myself lucky. I have, after all, failed just an exam, one which I can retake.

What if I would have instead hurt someone in a way that irrevocably changed their life? I think that would be the worst failure of all.

During my residency training interview, the director asked me, “How have you handled tough times in your life?” I gave her a very simple answer: I sit quietly, write down my mistakes, work to improve, and never ever give up. What I was essentially saying was that I learn from my failures, no matter their scope or size.

Everyone faces different circumstances and experiences different situations, but regardless of both, I have reached a few conclusions from my own failures. Below I’ve outlined six of those conclusions to help you embrace your failures and put them in perspective:

1. Stop comparing your life to others

None of us — not me, not you — know what trials and tribulations other people go through, or how hard they work, before achieving their goals. Not to mention, everyone on social media is basically living a dream life, one where reality is very often completely the opposite of what people present to the world. We should all follow the advice that James Clear has written in his book Atomic Habit: compare your present with your past and improve your today by at least 1%. The day you stop competing with others is your first step toward success.

2. Don’t blame others for your failures

We are solely responsible for our own lives. No one has much time or energy to help us achieve success. Yet it is easy to blame others for our own failures. I know, I’ve been in that same dilemma. Eventually, however, I realized my failures, my successes, and anything else related to me are solely my own responsibility. The day I held myself accountable is the day I realized my own weaknesses and strengths — and I learned that I could use both to my advantage.

3. Be disciplined

There is not a single thing in our lives we can achieve without discipline. For a long time, I wasn’t able to wake up early in the morning and always had some excuse at the ready to explain why. The truth, however, was simply that I didn’t consciously make an effort to wake up early, to be disciplined. Yet waking up before sunrise not only helps our mental stability and hormonal homeostasis, but also makes us more productive and efficient throughout the day. Imagine working in a quiet situation without distractions.

4. Make your friend circle small

The world is full of egocentric people; it is our responsibility to maintain our distance from them. Everyone wants to live the American dream, and everyone is ready to sacrifice everything for that dream — and sometimes that includes you, when you are friends with the wrong people.

I grew up in traditional culture where major decisions and social activities are interconnected with our surroundings. For example, we were obliged to respect our parents no matter how they acted. We could also rely on our close friends for borrowing money and other help. And at the end of the day, all of my friends and I used to get together for what amounts to a meet-and-greet gathering. Tea was the most respectable drink among us. And in that friend circle, there was no shame in asking for help.

In contrast, American culture is completely different. Most people embrace the individual culture and hardly notice strangers unless trying to start a lifelong relationship. I have met many friends in America — some were honest, a few were very negative, and some where our relationship was just a way to pass the time or play mind games. It took me some time to recognize those friends, the negative ones. But the day I started to truly see them is the day I started to think clearly and more efficiently. Your friend circle shapes your whole life. The more time you spend with others consumed by the negative, the more chances you have of being the same.

Instead, make your friend circle small and fill it with those who life you up rather than bring you down.

5. Maintain your focus, create strategies, and stay optimistic

Half of my life has been wasted with things that simply drained my energy due to focusing on unnecessary things. I was, for example, more worried about updating my cell phone every year than updating my life. You will find that you have slim chances for success when you have no strategy or a poor strategy in life. The best strategy is one where you know the consequences and rewards for every action you take, which allows you to chart a strategy. Living a life without strategy and determination is a waste of living.

To live the best life, maintain your focus, create strategies for success by creating opportunities to be better, and stay optimistic about your ability to be successful. What might that look like? Here’s what it looked like for me.

I started reading online blogs and those blogs helped me to find other productive resources, books, free online courses, and highly efficient people, even though I started writing after utilizing those forums. In one year, I have read 50 recommended books from those forums and networked with efficient local people. And every resource along that journey has given me at least one opportunity to change myself.

6. Ignore what others say about you

It is impossible for everyone to get along with you. At every step of life, you will find a few discouraging and sometimes creepy people whose only job will seemingly be to back bite and demoralize you. That’s true for you, for me, for everyone. Initially, I was upset and repeatedly let the behavior of such people drag me down. But with mindfulness, regular exercise, and meditation, I eventually started to ignore the views of these type of people. The lesson here is simple: ignore what others say about you.

The final takeaway

No matter what you do and no matter how you do, few things are as non-negotiable for success as failure itself. There is no shame in failure. In fact, the only real failure is giving up, and the day you give up marks the end of your life. Learning from failures and making a habit to improve ourselves every day is ultimately the only way to live a meaningful and full life.

About Author:

Subhash Chander, born and brought up in Thatta, Sindh, Pakistan. Currently, lives in New York, USA.